Metamorphosis... a synopsis

Metamorphosis... a synopsis

While sitting outside on my patio, breathing in the fresh rain cleaned air, I find myself thinking about my blog and that it has been precisely a year since I last wrote a single word, thought or idea for this abandoned project of mine. In fact, the only writing that I found myself doing this year were notes to my children’s teachers excusing them from not having completed their homework, or the scribbles jotted down at our most unforthcoming business meetings.

I cannot help but think that time is so precious, time is scarce, and I am in need of more right now!

Sometimes, in these short little lives of ours, we put an overload of effort and time into attempts at being something good, beautiful, sexy or smart for someone else or others, that we somehow end up completely losing ourselves in the process. We create these great expectations for ourselves and merely set ourselves up for absolute, and unnecessary, disappointment! We have to remember that we are NOT always in control and cannot control others reactions towards us, no matter how much we think or feel about the way that we think it should be, or how people should respond to us. In this day and age there is just too much emphasis placed on how many likes we have on facebook or how quickly and smartly people should be responding to our whatsapp messages.  Our bar of acceptance is placed on the popularity we perceive we have through our Facebook posts, or our responses to our social media updates or shares.  If Charles Dickens were to rewrite Great Expectations today, I am almost convinced that the core focus would probably be social media, and not a woman. The expectations that we create can only lead to a mass of difficulties in dealing with the weaknesses that sometimes slam dunk us out of nowhere.

These thoughts have led me to my next thought...

One of my favourite captures -  my avatar...
Groenkloof 2012

So, what do you do when you are in the frame of mind that you need to physically conquer the world, be that strong machine, run the fastest, squat the most, be the Bear Gryll of your life and you suddenly find yourself brought down to earth with an injury that brings you to your knees? The machine in you is extracted without your permission and a tiny piece of who and what you thought you were is suddenly gone...

What did I do? 

I sat down and thought about it for a while.... a long while... months passed...

Months filled with anger, turmoil, emotions, insecurities, solutions and thankfully possible conclusions, and this is what I have come up with to nurture my broken heart.

In my mind the route to being physically strong was what built my character. The muscles, the toned arms, the six pack was my focus. I had been working towards the goal of being the best that I could physically be, a journey that I had been travelling on for many years. Triathlons my final trophy! I knew that I could be great at it, kick some butt and show the world what I was made of. I was craving it and so excited to start this new adventure. 

However, this was to no avail... the trophy will never be a reality, at least not until science has found a way to fix my osteoarthritic ridden hip joint without replacing it with some bionic, superhero in the making, material.

Focus is sometimes placed so much on the outside physical beauty or strength that when it is suddenly taken away we are lost and found lacking confidence – an insecure soul trying to find it’s way. I realise now that these weaknesses are our strengths, and I know we’ve heard this before but it just never did sink in with me,  I was, as put in the "afrikaanse taal", windgat and unrealistically indestructible! I thought my physical strength was what led to my soulful character building strength.  I unfortunately learnt the truth the hard way, but thankfully there was an awe-inspiring lesson in this. As human beings we are truly gifted with a beautiful internal mechanism and we have to find a way to use this properly. We need to change our mindsets from our outer to inner focus, because only then will it bring an inner contentment and peace to our soul. In this case I had no choice but to search and find this inner strength, it is still an ongoing journey on a sometimes extremely rocky path, but the path exists nonetheless for which I am truly thankful. This little injury that has impacted me in a colossal way is an opportunity for me to get in touch with the real inner me again, it is a relief and quite humbling.

Turning back time is impossible, I know, and am told it is a time waster to ponder on the what ifs. I am a pain in the butt sometimes and just cannot help myself and have a few of those what ifs, and on occasion struggle to shake it off. My what ifs set in. What if I never did the dancing, or the kickboxing or the squats...  I would still have all the cartilage in my hip joint, but now I have none. Cartilage is a bugger, when it’s gone it’s gone, and what ifs aside, that is how it is and you know what...  no regrets! I had a blast wearing my cartilage away and now it’s time to just keep moving forward. I may be some cartilage poorer, but I sure am soulfully richer! I thought that pushing through the pain and toughness of training was not only a physical act but a soulful one too, but the soulful stuff is only really beginning to make sense now. I can now turn my focus into finding new passions, on living for today, reminding myself that tomorrow is yet to come and the what ifs of the past should be buried far away from my mind. Forget the what ifs, because there will be millions in the future, "they are as boundless as the stars". Keep the good, learn from the bad, let it go and just keep swimming.

Rumi, the Persian poet, once said: “When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy”. This is such a simple statement, yet so meaningful.  Imagine that feeling of a river moving within you... That my friends is the soul, that beautiful mechanism that us humans were gifted with and the river will surely flow, but it begins on the inside. 

So, let the river of life flow completely and heartily through all of our veins today and forever!

Let the thought of expectations or the meeting thereof be gone, once and for all!

Be happy, love and be loved always.

♥♥♥